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Could I possibly be a masochist?
I’ve learned nothing
but one thing:
I should stop letting you back into my life.
I lie to myself, believing things will be different each time around.
In truths I’ve found
that in the end I am forced to rip you out of my system.
Like a scab that heals, when the nerves become less and less responsive to pain,
my emotions become less responsive to your games.
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t hate you anymore.
I feel nothing. Negative poles dont attract But you pressed fast forward cause you’re impatient Im forgiving myself & letting go, my racing mind needs to settle Grew up thinking that her first & only regret would be a man That the first guy she had sex with would make her want to die That the first guy she falls in love with would break her heart but see… That first night I refrained myself from telling her I love her I started putting her before all others 4pm would be my favorite time of the day cause that’s when I’d be able to talk to her I started calling her babe and I gave her code names Soon enough we started talking about how our first date may be arranged We spent my summer at starbucks and by the Intrepid & those simple things made me think that she was… awesome. Little did I know that behind the sexy hip switch and long eyelashes, She shared MY caramel frapp & at the bottom of the Hudson River She kept a Kitten I applaud her for the great job she did at keeping her hidden. The better half. Everything I wish I could be, I see in you. Someone who isn’t afraid to admit they’re vulnerable, someone who dedicates their time to do what they love as long as they’ve got some motivation. I need some time to coach myself so then I could sing to the tunes your fingers play. Slick with your words, some say “the next J. Cole!” Man you had me at check me out — you wanted my attention & you got it. I’ve never seen someone filled with so much love to offer not only for the city, but for their family & complete strangers. A people person who always has something to say & some way to relate, you can get a smile out of anyone including the grumpy cashier at pinkberry. Small in stature but your heart’s a big package, the most polite & humble being who takes absolutely NOTHING for granted. That first night I knew I had to see more of you. I’m bad with time… I’m always late but you make things fine & like that I realized maybe this isn’t the right timing to be falling for you. I’ve got to love myself before I learn to love you. roooouuuuugh, i’ll clean it up when i’m awake. Could I possibly be a masochist? I’ve learned nothing but one thing: I should stop letting you back into my life. I lie to myself, believing things will be different each time around. In truths I’ve found that in the end I am forced to rip you out of my system. Like a scab that heals, when the nerves become less and less responsive to pain, my emotions become less responsive to your games. I don’t love you anymore. I don’t hate you anymore. I feel nothing. She’s got a noble heart but it’s cold as ice Colored gold so you know it glows real bright Kind of heavy so it tends to weigh her down Through it all She may fall but you’ll never see her frown Still she rises Still she’s climbing Reaching for success but the sun is blinding Staying up late night, she’s barely a sleeper Wanting to give up but she’s her only mother’s keeper Sometimes she writes Sometimes she draws Sometimes she photographs But her skills are kind of flawed She’d like to dance She’d like to sing She’d like to play the cello & one day to spread her wings Just a New Yorker She is no corker Simple city girl With her head twirled Day dreaming of finding a love Deep passionate love Whether it be in paintings or music She just wants to lose it The weigh her heart holds she just wants to use it I bet it’s so surprising. I’m doing things my way, I’ll be succeeding my way Cause there is no ‘right way’ Fuck a document of validation Isn’t this supposed to be the greatest nation? The land of opportunity, everyday’s a celebration! Yet you’re taking every bit of it Drowning me in media, sucking me into the belittling shit I mean, come on I see the picture Distract us within the mixtures It’s all a whole big fixture Saying our lives are all in scriptures Success isn’t swimming in money Matter fact is success really existant? I won’t work for the american dream, I will join in the resistance Blinded by the joneses, but what is the real value of that silver spoon? Ignore the beauty of that which is LIFE & work until your doom What do you want to be when you grow up? I bet you want to be happy Aim for spiritual relaxation, don’t let your life go crappy. Now, I’m not saying that what I’ve done is cool & I bet there were plenty who asked “why is this chick never in school? She’s not gonna make it, she’s a dumbass & a slacker.” & a lot of times I kicked back & held in all the laughter. I’m wondering how many of you looked at the teacher’s desk, looked through the mess peeked at what I scored on the tests? Gone for a week & came back scoring 90s & 80s Had the whole class yelling “ayo I’m hating How the hell do you do it, did you cheat? You know what, screw it” I sat humbly in class for the remainder of the time Took out a piece of paper, either I drew or wrote rhymes. & honestly I really don’t know how I pulled it off No disrespect to some teachers but your lessons were a little soft I’m not a genius, obviously I was never there I just had a few tactics that I don’t really share I’m stuck with this mentality of only learning about things that I care about, & I know that probably isn’t fair Cause everyone was bored at school while I was chilling at my lair But to those who laughed, looked down upon me & to those who hated Wouldn’t say that I broke the system but look who graduated. hahaa Lovecraft. We throw words around like it’s nothing but what you don’t know is that ‘babe’ & ‘i miss you’ do mean something… At least to me… So yes my heart skips a beat when my phone vibrates or beeps & yes I wake up every day looking forward to your good morning text. I’m already having dreams about you & as much as I don’t want to I laugh at all your corny jokes. I don’t know why I have so much hope, I don’t know why I hope at all when I swore on myself that I would never fall for sweet words ever again. & the worst part is that we’re supposed to be “just friends” & the worst part is that even if we weren’t I’d still end up hurting Cause there’s no way you’d make any time to settle down & be mine. Why do they say “share what you love with the person you love?” If what I’d like to love doesn’t want to love. Too young to think about settling but my heart does not listen The heart only feels the winds blowing passed you whispering. Now I’m afraid to say anything cause you’d leave if I say anything but how is one to cope when they feel EVERYTHING? The dangers of being friends & acting like lovers… One is to string along in the shadows of the other…
I don’t need a shining knight, Or a flying superman, Or a superstar from TV Being chased by screaming fans. I’m not asking for the money, Or any peasants at my feet Cause I’m not a snobby princess; I’d love you to love me for me. Let’s take a walk along the beach, Holding hands and laugh all day. What about movies on a friday night Sipping on chocolate milkshakes? No matter how simple it is what we do It’ll all be perfect as long as it’s with you. |
